I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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