I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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