I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
