if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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