her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
