The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He shit in the fireplace
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
