I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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