You smell like stripper and shame
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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