Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
