There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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