I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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