you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
