At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
