theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
