I wish my penis had an off switch
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
