You're a womanizer and a bitch.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
