Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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