he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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