: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
