I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
