I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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