i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
we made out on top of his cat.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
