so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
