Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My liver just had a heart attack.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
