Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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