Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.