I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
