you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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