dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
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Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
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The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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