toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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