Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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