sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
