I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
