The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
