ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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