She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
