Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
