My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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