Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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