why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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