I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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