I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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