Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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