Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
