We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
