Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
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He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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