apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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