Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
