Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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