my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
