instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
