please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
