Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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