a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
