I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
