Your face is a jimmy john
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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