you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
