and she was petting her beer can
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
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Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.