The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
