Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
