i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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